We sat on our blanket at the drive-in movie, not speaking.
Not touching. Icy silence blew through the gap between us. This was our first real argument. Not the simple
disagreements or miscommunications of marriage. The kind that wounds. During our marriage prep, the pastor said, “If you ranked
highs and lows on a scale from 0-10, your relationships with others will
top out at 7 and bottom out at 3. Your spouse, though, will bring you as
high as 10 and as low as 0—highs that are unimaginable and pain you didn’t
think possible.” At the drive-in, where we might have been amorous newlyweds,
that moment had arrived. Before our wedding, our pastor gave a simple assignment.
Create “Rules of Engagement”: our own pre-established guidelines for
conflict resolution. You probably think of “Rules of Engagement” when it comes to
war and fighting an enemy. You have a very real enemy who desires to drive you apart.
And conflict is a favorite weapon. Prepare for his schemes and determine to fight them at all
costs. Battling the enemy’s lies is impossible, however, if you view your
spouse as the enemy. Instead, fight for your spouse and your marriage. Here are seven guidelines that have framed our resolve to
fight fair throughout our marriage. - Don’t avoid conflict by
walking away. - We will talk everything out
honestly before saying we’re “OK.” - Don’t criticize the other
person in public. - Don’t wait for the other
person to ask what’s wrong. - Avoid “You always…” or “You
never…” statements. - Don’t bring up past issues
(see #2). - Don’t talk to other people
before talking with each other.
Guidelines don’t always guarantee quick and simple
resolution. We left the drive-in with tension hanging between us and talked
for hours, implementing our “rules.” And before our heads hit our pillows, we found grace, mercy,
and forgiveness. For more
thoughts on this, read Ben’s article “When Your Spouse Rejects Your Love.” | 
