4 Ways to Get Out of A Marriage Funk

Statement of Faith

We believe that God created man and that He created them male and female. As such He created them different so as to complement and complete each other. God instituted monogamous marriage between male and female as the foundation of the family and the basic structure of human society. Therefore, we perform and mentor marriages in accordance with Biblical guidelines. (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:4-6; John 4:16-18; Romans 1:18-32; 1 Corinthians 5:11, 6:9-11. 6:18-20, 7:1-3 and 7:8-9; Galatians 5:19-21; Ephesians 5:3-7; 1 Timothy 1:9-11)

Do you ever feel like your marriage is in a funk? It’s sort of the equivalent of when you’re in a bad mood, but you can’t quite put your finger on why. Maybe you’re both crabby and short with each other a lot lately, you feel like you’re speaking different languages, or there’s just a vague tension between you that has you both feeling like you’re walking on eggshells. What’s the deal?

First things first, it’s normal to have ups and downs throughout your marriage. Sometimes things are clicking, and you feel connected and at ease with each other. Other times, your relationship can feel like a struggle that requires effort and intention from you both. If you’ve been experiencing an extreme sense of disconnection in your marriage for a long time, it may be wise to seek professional guidance to help you navigate any deeper issues. If this is more the exception than the norm for you, then keep reading. We’ve got some tips to help you break out of the funk faster – and prevent bigger problems from taking root.

Assess boundaries.

Is work spilling over into home life a bit too much lately? Is there a family member or friend that has been overstepping? Have your kids’ activities completely usurped all your time? Broken, weak, or non-existent boundaries can come in many forms throughout all areas of your life. They often show up in negative ways within your relationship, even if the problem didn’t originate there. For example, your work stress might not have anything to do with your spouse, but you may end up taking that stress out on them or be unable to be fully present when you’re together. Take some time to reflect on whether the tension between you is stemming from a boundary issue. This will require both of you to take responsibility for the ways in which you might be contributing to the problem. Have empathy as you discuss how you might repair the boundary and support each other in upholding it.

Revisit roles and responsibilities.

Do you find yourself grumbling as you complete your share of the household chores? Is the division of labor that felt comfortable as newlyweds now like forcing a square peg into a round hole? It might be time to change things up. After all, a lot can change over time and as you go through different seasons of life. Your careers, schedules, preferences, skills, physical capacity, the list goes on. It makes sense then that the way you split or share roles and responsibilities in your household and marriage may also need to change to help you and your spouse feel most productive, efficient, and capable. If there is a particular task or role that has been draining you lately, let each other know. You may find that a few simple tweaks to who does what can be a breath of fresh air for your marriage.

Address the elephant in the room.

Is there an issue hanging in the air, over your heads, and lurking in the corner of every room? You know the one. The thing you know you should talk about, but you keep avoiding it. Sweeping the issue under the rug might seem to work for a while, but eventually resentment, tension, or anger will bubble to the surface and come between you. Yes, it can be awkward, uncomfortable, and just plain difficult. You might not even resolve things in one sitting. But being able to communicate and share feelings through conflict is key to a strong relationship. You may end up feeling like a weight has been lifted off your relationship simply by getting things out in open.

Nip resentment in the bud.

A common thread running through all these tips is a sense of resentment that builds as grievances go unspoken. Maybe you feel you shouldn’t complain or that you can just get over the issue if you stay silent. Perhaps you think your partner should be able to figure out on their own that you’re upset. However, if something is bothering you enough that you’re trying to squash your feelings, then the best way to remedy the problem is to be open and honest about it right away – before it grows into toxic resentment. One way to be proactive about this is to have a weekly check-in where you both have a chance to respectfully share anything you’d like to get off your chest while your spouse listens judgement-free. There might not be anything to solve; you may just need to let them know, “Hey, when you made that comment the other day it hurt my feelings.” This gives them the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions while you feel heard. Be sure to balance out the negatives by sharing the things you really appreciated about each other throughout the week.

It’s normal to fall into the occasional marriage funk. The key, however, is that it is temporary. Being proactive and invested in the quality of your relationship will help you prevent small issues from growing into bigger problems. Ultimately, you’ll strengthen the resilience of your marriage as you take the necessary steps to get out of the rut.