August 19, 2020  Ann Malmberg  Connection

When
you finally get the chance to reunite and reconnect with your partner at the
end of the day, what do you say?

“How
was your day?”

There’s
definitely nothing wrong with this question! It shows you’re interested in each
other’s daily lives and can be a great way to start a more in-depth
conversation. But when you both start asking the question mindlessly and
responding with one-word answers, it might be time to say hey, we can do
better!

Therapists
and researchers John Gottman and Bill Doherty both believe that “rituals of
connection” are an important tool in nurturing successful relationships. Create
a daily ritual where you intentionally reconnect each evening, whether it’s
over dinner or after the kids are in bed.

To get
you started, here are five questions to ask instead of “How was your day?”

• What made you
  laugh out loud today?

  This might sound like a silly question, but more than likely it will lead
  to sharing a story, whether it’s to provide context or explain what
  happened. Out of this you might learn more about your partner, increasing your connection.

• If your day was
  a meal/song/color, what would it be and why?

  Here’s another question you can have fun with, but that can actually give
  you insight into the flow of each other’s day

• What gave you a
  sense of accomplishment today?

  Sure, you might find out about a big work project or the third day in a
  row of hitting their step goal, but the conversation might take a deeper
  dive as well. Maybe they don’t know how to answer because they’ve
  been struggling with balancing work and
  home responsibilities, and that’s okay. The goal is to have a more
  meaningful conversation or at the very least give yourselves the
  opportunity for one.

• How would you
  like today to end?

  Maybe
  their day was so busy they didn’t have a spare moment to catch their
  breath, and now all they need is some quiet time to relax. Maybe it was a
  bad day and they just want leave it all behind them and play games with
  the kids. Either way, it gives them an opportunity to tell you exactly
  what they need – and an opportunity for you to help make it happen.

• What did you
  learn today?

  Sure,
  this might sound more like something you’d ask your kids after school, but
  hey, we adults learn new things, too! Maybe it’s an interesting factoid
  from that new podcast they’re listening to. Or perhaps they learned they
  shouldn’t stay up so late reading (they were dragging today)
  or to always make sure the blender cover is on tight. Whatever it is, you
  can hopefully also learn something new about each other.

When we
reunite with our partner at the end of a long day, it’s easy to let mundanity
creep in. But research shows that intention around creating
and engaging in rituals of connection has a profound impact on the quality of
your relationship. We think it’s worth the effort.

Want to
keep the conversations going?

Check
out our Discussion Guide for Couples. It’s a great
addition to your date night or daily check in, and it makes a great gift as
well!